I kept this secret hid for over 14 years out of shame and hate for myself. When I found out I was pregnant I was mentally and emotionally alone. I was living a life that was not where I should had been and knew better. My previous place of employment was filing bankruptcy and closing the doors. The job I had was sending me to college to get my degree so I could move to upper management. I received notice later that they would not be able to pay for the college bills that I had incurred since attending. Also lost my health insurance. The father then informs me that he would take the baby from me because I had broke it off with him. Just a scare tactic of course but at the time I was terrified. I had nobody to talk to and was so far away from God (or so I thought...He was there all along). I panicked. I had never been so scared. I went the following day and completed the horrible sin and would not let myself think about it. I put myself in robot form and just told myself I had to cause I had no other choice. I did. That day was absolutely the worse most horrible thing I have ever imagined. It ruined eveything in me. I hated myself and thought God hated me more for doing it. This led me down many years of self hate and shame I could never express. I had no respect for myself and thought God was so ashamed of me for denying the gift He gave me. During my "lost years" I met and married but the marriage wasn't a God led one. I gave birth to my first son and it was then that I felt God ever so present. That is when I finally saw that He had never left me even during these lost years from Him. Before divorcing, I gave birth to one more son. I was coming out of a long,dark place in my life single again with 2 baby boys and 2 step children that I love like my own to this day. I begged for forgiveness and His mercy. I know He saved me and did forgive me but to this day I still find it hard to forgive myself. I prayed constantly to God for forgiveness and to help me fight the path to forgiveness and a life that would only glorify Him. Years later He sent me a Godly, Christian man that to this day I dont think I deserve. He loves me unconditionly without judgement even after I shared my darkest shameful secret. I had also gained another step son that I love as if he were my own. We are married and God blessed us with another son together. I could never thank God for setting my life back on track. I just wished I never strayed from Him cause it costed me the life of my first child. I have only now found the courage to help others with my story and pray that it reaches that scared girl that I was so many years ago and that she clings to God and push away all the lies the devil whispers. The devil was hard at work at the time but by the Grace of God, I am one of His now. The devil holds you down and tells you that God cannot forgive but that was another lie. I found healing thru a class called Surrender the Secret at my local Pregnancy Center. Since my conformation in the Lord, He has led me to become co founder of a local pro life group with a friend of mine that also shares a love for the pro life movement. My friend Lacey and I are have organized our first annual pro life walk here in Tennessee this January . I know I cannot change the past but by God's Grace I pray that I can change the future of at least one baby (hopefully many more). Since coming out with my secret I have encountered a variety of feedback from I am still damned to hell and I don't deserve forgiveness. I agree with the forgiveness part...I don't know how God forgives me ....but I know He does. Christ did not die in vain...He died for sinners like me. My life goal is to glorify Him and to make sure to my last breath that my worse mistake wasn't in vain either. I vow to be that person in front of the abortion clinic that changes a girls mind at the last minute. I pray to be the voice she hears that I didn't. I know people will judge me from just reading this, but with every word I type, just know that I was one of God's lost sheep but now I am repented. The devil will not win me ever again. I can only PRAY that before my last breath abortion will be abolished and I will work with everything I have in me to see it done.
If you are reading this and happen to be in the same dark place that I was....please know that God is with you. He does forgive. He does heal. Ask for His forgiveness and He will carry you. Stand with me and tell others that abortion is not the answer even if you are terrified and alone as I was. I would give anything if I could go back in time but I can't. If you are pregnant and considering abortion please.....don't.Choose life. A child is a gift from God Himself. There are couples everywhere praying for a child. There are resources out there that can and will help you. Abortion must be abolished but it will take people standing together and sharing their stories. People need to know the truth of abortion.